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As grandmothers, our instincts tell us to step in and comfort our grandchildren when they’re upset. After all, our love is boundless, and we want nothing more than to ease their pain and bring back their smiles. However, even with the best intentions, we sometimes make mistakes in how we approach their emotional needs. Let’s explore 10 common pitfalls and learn how we can avoid them to provide the best support possible.
1. Dismissing Their Feelings
It’s easy to say, “It’s not a big deal,” or, “Don’t cry about it,” in an effort to cheer them up. However, this can make children feel unheard or invalidated. Instead, acknowledge their feelings by saying, “I can see you’re really upset. Do you want to talk about it?” Letting them express their emotions creates trust and reassures them that their feelings matter.
When a child feels dismissed, they might bottle up their emotions or start believing their feelings are unimportant. This can lead to long-term challenges in expressing themselves. Grandmas can use phrases like, “That sounds really tough,” or, “I’m here to listen,” to create a safe emotional environment.
2. Jumping to Fix the Problem
We’ve lived long enough to have solutions for almost every problem, but kids often just need someone to listen, not solve. Before offering advice, ask, “Would you like help figuring this out, or do you just need me to listen?”
Sometimes, in our eagerness to help, we rob children of the chance to work through their emotions or problems themselves. By stepping back and allowing them to process, we empower them to build resilience and problem-solving skills. Grandmas can provide gentle guidance without taking over completely, ensuring the child feels capable and supported.
3. Overreacting to Their Emotions
Seeing your grandchild upset can stir strong emotions in you, but showing excessive worry or frustration can amplify their distress. Stay calm and reassuring. Your composed presence can help them feel safer and more in control.
For example, if a child is crying over a lost toy, reacting with, “Oh no, this is terrible!” might escalate their feelings. Instead, try saying, “I can see you’re really sad about this. Let’s think about what we can do.” Your steady demeanor becomes a model for them to handle their emotions calmly.
4. Making It About Yourself
Saying things like, “When I was your age, I dealt with this too,” can shift the focus away from the child’s experience. While sharing personal stories can sometimes help, ensure you’re not overshadowing their feelings. Instead, center the conversation on their emotions.
While it’s natural to want to connect through shared experiences, it’s essential to gauge whether the child needs that connection or simply wants to be heard. If you do share a story, keep it brief and bring the focus back to them with a question like, “How does that make you feel?”
5. Rushing Them to Feel Better
Phrases like, “Cheer up,” or, “You’ll be fine soon,” might come from a place of love, but they can pressure children to suppress their emotions. Allow them the time they need to process their feelings naturally.
Children process emotions differently from adults, and rushing them can hinder their emotional growth. Instead, offer a comforting presence and let them know it’s okay to feel upset. Saying, “Take all the time you need” or “I’m here for you” reinforces your support without pushing them to move on too quickly.
6. Criticizing Their Reactions
Telling a child they’re “overreacting” or “being dramatic” can feel like a judgment. Remember, what seems minor to us might feel monumental to them. Practice empathy by validating their perspective.
Criticism can lead to shame or self-doubt. Instead, try saying, “It’s okay to feel upset about this,” or, “Everyone feels like this sometimes.” These words help normalize their emotions and encourage healthy emotional expression.
7. Comparing Them to Others
Comments like, “Your brother wouldn’t cry about this,” or, “I’ve seen you handle worse,” can make a child feel inadequate. Instead of comparing, focus on their individual needs and experiences in the moment.
Comparison not only diminishes their feelings but can also create unnecessary sibling rivalry or self-esteem issues. Instead, emphasize their unique qualities by saying, “You’re strong, and I know you can handle this,” to uplift and support them.
8. Overindulging Them
While it’s tempting to spoil a sad grandchild with sweets, gifts, or unlimited screen time, these quick fixes don’t address the root of their emotions. Offer comfort in ways that promote connection, like a hug, a story, or quality time together.
Instead of material distractions, focus on creating memories and strengthening bonds. For example, baking cookies together or taking a walk can provide comfort while teaching healthy coping mechanisms.
9. Ignoring the Bigger Picture
Sometimes, persistent sadness or recurring upset can signal deeper issues, like struggles at school, with friends, or at home. Pay attention to patterns and talk to their parents if needed to ensure their well-being.
As grandmas, we often have the advantage of observing from a distance. If you notice consistent signs of distress, approach the parents gently with your observations and offer to help find solutions. Working together as a family unit ensures the child’s needs are met.
10. Forgetting to Follow Up
Once the tears have stopped, we might assume everything is fine. However, checking in later shows that you truly care. A simple, “How are you feeling about that now?” can help them feel supported over time.
Following up reinforces your role as a dependable source of comfort. It also opens the door for them to share any lingering concerns, strengthening your connection and trust.
Practical Tips for Comforting Your Grandchild
- Listen actively: Sometimes, all a child needs is someone to hear them out without judgment or interruption.
- Offer physical comfort: A warm hug or a pat on the back can go a long way in soothing an upset child.
- Ask open-ended questions: Instead of saying, “What’s wrong?” try, “Can you tell me what’s on your mind?”
- Be patient: Emotions take time to process. Allow them the space they need without rushing.
- Model emotional regulation: Children learn by example. Showing calmness and understanding teaches them how to manage their own feelings.
Final Thoughts
Being a grandmother means being a steady source of love and comfort, but it also means learning and growing alongside our grandchildren. By avoiding these common mistakes, we can strengthen our relationships and provide the emotional support they need to navigate life’s challenges. Let’s embrace our role as listeners, supporters, and guiding lights—always with a warm heart and open arms. Together, we can help our grandchildren feel seen, heard, and deeply loved.
